Tag Archive: Fun Stuff

If the basement you are about to walk into is pitch dark and the light switch doesn’t work – do not go into the fucking room.  Don’t even think about it until high noon the next day and even then, take the dog with you —  just in case.

Ah, clowns.  In theory, those red-nosed, big shoe wearing, jolly creatures are supposed to make us smile and laugh.  I mean, what kids birthday party is complete with out a fake flower to spray water in your face or those colorful balloons animals that all seem to look like a dog, no matter what you asked for?  They just exist to make us happy and our days a little brighter.

Yeah right.  Sneaky bastards.  Think about it — what do clowns actually do besides scare the bejesus out of little kids, and adults stupid enough to own a doll that looks like one?  Nothing, that’s what.  Which gives them plenty of time to figure out ways to either steal your soul or eat you.  Either way, if the following list of evil clowns isn’t enough to convince you there is something nefarious going on, well, doom on you.

Scary, Agile and Gleefully Trying to Kill You

Poltergeist, 1982.  I know there are a lot of scary clowns out there and some are listed here, but really, that little demonspawn in Poltergeist was enough to turn millions of kids off of clowns for life.  Including this one.  PS – He’s under the bed and has reeaallly long arms!!

Scary and Trying to Eat You Like Cotton Candy!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space, 1988. Seriously folks, what’s worse than being turned into a cotton candy blood shake for some of the creepiest clowns ever? Not much. Don’t let the big hands and goofy grins fool you — they really do want to eat you.

Scary and Also Trying to Eat You, But Straight Up

It, by Stephen King 1990. Pennywise the clown isn’t even a real clown for crying out loud. It’s really a space alien from hell (or thereabouts) who chose on purpose to look like a scary clown in order to eat small children. When murdering monsters from space try to emulate you, it’s proof positive that you’re in league with the devil.

Scary but Not Trying to Eat You, Just Kill You or Something

Amusement, 2008. I don’t know what grown adult thinks a life-size clown doll is perfectly okay to own — much less sleep in the same room with — but either way this clown is bad news. It doesn’t help that it knows how to turn on the TV either.

 Scary and Trying to Kill You, But Mostly Just Annoying

The Hole, 2009. This little f-er clown thinks its cute to try to push you into a hole that leads to hell. He also likes to throw things at you and try to drown you. He is really nothing more than a Poltergeist clown wannabe, but he’s still dangerous. Drop kick his ass into a fan at your earliest opportunity.

And Last but not Least…

Scary, Trying to Eat You and Has No Manners!

Zombieland, 2009. As if clowns weren’t bad enough by themselves, this one just had to be a zombie, too. Not content to just kill you and eat you, it also has the nerve to bug you while you’re in the bathroom! Now that’s just plain rude.

Horror Movie Survival Tip #2

It’s not the cat.  It’s NEVER the cat.  Except, of course when it is the cat, but really, why chance it?  Whose side do you think they’re on anyway?

Horror Movie Survival Tip #1

When all the animals around you start running in one direction, it’s time to haul ass with them.  Trust them, they know their shit.

For those that are unfamiliar with Jeff Strand, he’s a horror fiction writer whose work is probably best described as horror/comedy.  Probably.  Well, maybe.  It’s hard to pin down exactly what he does in his books without writing an essay — and since I wouldn’t torture you with what would surely be a hot mess — I suggest you go and grab a copy of one of his books and see for yourself what I mean.

Jeff Strand

To date, the books I have read of his are limited to what is currently available on Kindle, which means there are a few out there (The Haunted Forest Tour, for one) that I am totally pissed off I can’t get from Amazon.  (Yes, I know I could order the paperback and wait for it in the mail, but that would require some degree of patience, of which I have none.)  Anyway, his books have a way of blending horror and comedy that turns the horror story on its head.  You end up (at least I did) caring a great deal about the so-called “monsters” in the stories and coming away with a kind of reinforcement of the morals mom tried to teach us, and we promptly forgot (or mentally deleted on purpose).  Odd?  Yes.  Fantastically different?  Absolutely.

Take Benjamin’s Parasite.  I sincerely feel that you have no soul if you didn’t care about well, Benjamin’s parasite.  Sure, you cared about Benjamin (mostly) but what is not to love about a parasite that can speak to you in your head and tells you it’s your best friend constantly?  It knows you really, really well and still loves you.  I don’t know about you, but I need more friends like that.

So, if my blathering didn’t turn you off to Jeff Strand’s work, here are some of his other offerings I highly recommend (in no particular order):

  • Dweller
  • Fangboy
  • Wolf Hunt
  • The Mad and the Macabre:  Kutter
  • Mandibles
  • Pressure
  • The Sinister Mr. Corpse

For a complete list of Mr. Strands work, click here:  http://jeffstrand.wordpress.com/

PS.  If by chance you ever read this Mr. Strand, you did kind of piss me off with the ending of Dweller, but I forgive you.  More importantly, I am sure Owen forgives you.

%d bloggers like this: